I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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