Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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