I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
