the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
