Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
