Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
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