The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'm at about main and main street
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
