I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
