i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
