By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
