How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
