I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
