We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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