Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
