omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
