If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
