Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
You ruined the universe
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
