i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
