i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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