If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
