sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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