are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
