I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
