i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
he thought i was a dude.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
