I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
