I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
