shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
