K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
