just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
