Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
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