its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
