Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I need to align my fucking chakras
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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