I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
