Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
