The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
