Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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