Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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