HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
