BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
