Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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