I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm at about main and main street
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
