I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
