I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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