woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
