she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
