capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
