the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
