I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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