did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
