Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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